…Smiles Politely

Typical day:

Me: (working on something intently like building a new computer, looking through registry files, or trying to get a moment to eat something)

Customer: (stumbles in looking around)

Me: [fucking god damn it] “Hello, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Very good, thank you.”

Me: (silence while waiting for customer to say something else)

Customer: “I’m from Oregon and only down here for the Winter. My house is 20 minutes away and my son is a computer programmer for IBM. He says I have a virus and he just got married to a nice Indian woman. He was overseas during his fir…”

Me: [is this real life?] “So what’s wrong with your computer?!”

Customer: “Well, I’m not computer literate. Can you tell?”

Me: (trying to smile politely)

Customer: “How old do you think this computer is?”

Me: [sigh] “Oh, I don’t know… 3 years?”

Customer: “That sounds about right. My son bought it for me a few years ago up in Oregon for a…”

Me: [...] “What seems to be the issue with your computer?!”

Customer: “Well, I haven’t used my computer since last time we were down here and I went to turn my computer on this morning and I got this error message.” (hands me a paper with ‘MT-1735′ and a list of errands scribbled on it.)

Me: (silence) “Okay…?”

Customer: “All I use it for is e-mail, checking my stocks, and whacking it to armadillo porn when my mummified wife with zero facial expressions isn’t looking, or at least as far as I can tell…”

Me: (silence and stares)

Customer: (silence and stares)

Me: “Is that it?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: [kill me] “When do you see this error message? When does it pop up?”

Customer: “I can show you. Can you hook it up and turn it on?”

Me: (sigh) (hooks up computer and turns it on)

(15 minutes later)

Customer: “Sure is slow huh?”

Me: [fuck you] “Sure is…” (fake smile)

(5 more minutes after Windows XP logo is gone)

Me: “Okay, so where does the error happen?”

Customer: “See that?” (points to desktop wallpaper) “Thats me driving my truck and trailer on our way here from Oregon.”

Me: “Where does the error occur?”

Customer: “My e-mail.”

Me: (silence)

Customer: (silence)

Me: “Okay… What is your e-mail?”

Customer: “SexyStud69 at tomcast dot…”

Me: “No… What do you use for your e-mail?”

Customer: (deer in headlights look) “Uh..” (clicks around for a bit and lands on an AOL icon”)

Me: [fuck me] “Oh, you use AOL…” (smiles politely, thankful we’ve got this far)

(AOL program loads)

Customer: (clicks on ‘Sign On’)

(Computer makes dialing noises)

Me: “Oh.. You have dial-up..” [god, please strike me dead]

Customer: “Yeah. I’m only down here for a few months out of the year from Oregon. Up in Oregon, we have broadband with ‘Oregon Cable’… up in Oregon… In Oregon, because I’m from Oregon”

Me: (walks over to wall to cry, grab phone line from wall, pretend I’m not actually here, and hum Flight of the Bumblebee in my head. I then turn to install phone line into the back of computer)

(Computer makes “eeeeeeeeee Wathunk Wathunk brong click click click screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” noises after clicking ‘Sign On’ once more. It cheerfully says, “Welcome” and “You Got Mail”)

Customer: “Hold on, let me check something real quick.” (a minute of silence) “Ha Ha Ha! Here, check this out! Have you ever seen this joke e-mail with the dancing hamsters that sing?”

Me: “Yes, actually. So what do you normally do when you get the error message?”

Customer: “Oh, it didn’t happen this time. What do you think was the problem?”

Me: “If the computer is working, I can’t tell you what the problem was…”

Customer: “Oh, I see… Do you think it had a virus?”

Me: “I honestly have no idea.”

(At this time, another customer walks in wearing a Washington State hat, a Sun Date Falls Springs of the Wells Country Club shirt and stupid pants. “Stupid”, because there is no other name for that combination of fabric, length and design – think ‘old man’, ‘golf’, and ‘Summers Eve Invitational gift bag’)

Customer: (Turns and acknowledges the next customer) “Oh, Washington huh? I have a nephew that lives up there in March, visits Africa in April, goes to the New York Stock Exchange in May, drives to Mississippi June 3rd, and takes a shit in his apartment in New Hampshire at 5:45 Pacific Time. I say Pacific, because that’s the time up in Oregon.)

Me: (breathing in relief that he found someone else to talk to)

Customer #2: “Oh, Oregon! Yeah, we pass through there on our way to our vacation home in Sun Date Falls Springs of the Wells Country Club. Its located right across the street from CurrentFad, the health food store with the best oranges you’ll ever had, which we eat during our 9 holes of morning golf, but only if my wife’s mother doesn’t make us breakfast.”

Me: (unplugging cables from the computer and mock slicing my wrists with a screwdriver at the thought of doing the same song and dance with another one) “Well, if the error comes back, you let me know and I’ll do my best to take care of it.” (smiles politely) [please go away now]

Customer: “Thank you, and I will! You guys are always so helpful!”

Me: (looking at customer #2) “Hi! What can I do for you?”

Customer #2: (approaches) “Very fine, thank you! I have this error…”

Me: [fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck]

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